Chapter 1: The Hool Shebang

Chapter 1: The Hool Shebang
 
We started out in a place called Selk near the very southern tip o’ the Yarlem continent. Selk’s right next tae the Hool: a big, swampy bog that smells like Blin arse. Allegedly. It is also, I’ve been told, some kinda nexusy place. Sonethin’ about confluences of faewyld realms. Tha’ would explain why it smells like it does. Might be near other planes, too. Ask future me. He’ll write a note in the margins. Or not. Future me can be a forgetful arse.
Right. Some stuff happened there, but most of it was unimportant. But, I met Rain the tiefling sneaky busybody there. He’s actually pretty important, unlike the rest o’ these schmucks. Y’know, from my experiences, enjoined dinnae seem so special: comin’ an’ goin’ like they do. I think I’ve been introduced to more enjoined than other people at this point. Or at least damned close. But, I digress.
So, the other ones there at the time... I honestly dinnae remember their names. There was a Scorned warlock or sorcerer who I’ll call “Edgy;” some kinda bard with aspirations to open up a strip club or something like that I’ll call “Dancer;” there was an artificer I’ll name “the Artificer;” an’ the “BDF,” who was remarkably stupid, even by my standards.
So, here we are in Selk. Not a lot a this part is important for the savin’ the world bits, so I’m gonna abridge it.
We hear about a /Grimm/ caravan [Baern... the shipment was by Coppertop an’ guarded by the Longshoreman Guild. Grimm were suspected of attackin’ it] goin’ missin’ as it was goin’ through the Hool. We decide tae investigate it tae see if there’s anything tae salvage. Oh, the caravan was carryin’ gravelings, if memory serves.
A bunch of borin’ crap happens, an’ Rain ends up with a full pallet o’ poultices. We kinnae take them all, so we kinda just stuff our pockets.
Since the Hool smells worse than a giant’s armpit, I picked up wool noseplugs an’ a bandana tae protect me from it. I also grabbed from citronella candles for stoppin’ the biters. I figured the bandana an’ nose plugs would also come in handy by givin’ me some fart resistance whenever we went into combat against any flatulomancers.
So, we made it to the edge o’ the Hool, an’ there’s been this bar. Kinnae remember what it was called, now. Dinnae much matter, now, for multiple reasons.
Anyway, this bar is run by this egregiously overweight, 500 lb. orange veil male Grimm, an’ this is the dirtiest, dingiest bar I have EVER seen. I was right feckin’ enraged that someone could do this tae such a hallowed hall of hooch.
I was yellin’ at the biggun behind the bar. I chucked a gold piece at him so he could hir some help tae clean it up, an the bastard decided I was buyin’ the bar!
Listen, the whole thing was a feckin’ shite-show. Edgy, though, was apparently a clean-freak an’ was goin’ eye-twitch levels o’ crazy. He started using prestifartication in order tae basically squeegee this muck off the groun’. Tha’s important.
The entire floor o’ this bar was covered in two tae three inches thick o’ this... terrible, nasty, foul goo. It was definitely one o’ the worst things I’ve ever smelled. That makes sense, now, in retrospect. I’ll get tae tha’ much later. Don’ wannae ruin the surprise.
So, Edgy is tryin’ tae get rid o’ this stuff with his flatulomancy. Meanwhile, the Artificer finds the body of this barmaid behind the counter, sort of on the way into the back room.
Part o’ the roof ‘ad collapsed an cut ‘er in ‘alf just below the waist. Bottom ‘alf ‘ad rotted away. Top ‘alf looked good as new.
The Artificer found a ring on ‘er an’ took it. ‘Er body collapsed into foul sludge, but only Dancer vomited. Later, we found out the ring was called a Xelph ring. They make it so you always look like you did when you put on the ring an’ say the command word “Xelph.” They also have a curse which differs from person to person.
The Artificer ends up takin’ it.
Before the muck was completely cleaned up, I took a brace o’ crossbow bolts an’ dipped all ten of ‘em into the muck. The end up bein’ pretty important.
We found quite a few other trinkets in the muck, but most importantly, there were a ton [15 of them] dead fairies [They’re sprites, Baern] in the muck, an’ one of ‘em even have a crown. Found out later ‘is name was... I forget. Future Baern, help me out in the margins. [His name was... an’ ‘is crown was bent, like he was hit in the head. Pre-Oberon Nyxian]
In addition, we also found several vials of this pink powder called “salt.” It’s a drug that lets you experience every emotion at once, from the highest high tae the lowest low. I’ll take blurple any day.
We also found an egg which you can carve or draw a fate an’ assign it to a person an’ it would torture ‘em tae death accordin’ tae what you painted on there.
Other things o’ note were a silver coin with one face bein’ a scarab, which I took; a silver mechanical crab that only moves when nobody’s watchin’ it (I traded some other stuff tae get that an’ a full-sized pirate flag with a dragon’s skull an’ crossbones. It turns our it belonged tae the seventh sea prince.
We also found a piece of paper. Written on it:
“To Captain Xendros,
The box needs to go to Iuz in the Kells.
Take them from the north.
-Wilbur Warren”
 
Rain also found a ship in a bottle, which is apparently called the Saddle. There were created by the Witheby Estate tae watch over their ships an’ see it they sank or not. Apparently, they’ll pay tae get it back.
I also found a Wallace handkerchief here.
Edgy found a piece o’ the crystal dream prism. He found out he was a chosen one an’ later fecked off. Pretty sure he’s dead, now. His crystal was blue.
I’m pretty sure those were all the important things.
[Your Sheriff badge, stupid! I found a gold, 7-pointed star with “Sheriff” on it. I pinned it through my left pec. No shirt.]
So, anyway, we talked with a certain important fancy-pants who asked tae remain nameless on account of all the fecked up shite we found in the bar (he came in as we were cleanin’ up) an’ after we ended up cleanin’ up the bar completely (at which point the bartender decided he wanted tae work again, but work for me), we got a ton o’ information on the local goings on from ‘im. At ‘is suggestion, we took all the things we found tae a blue veil priestess in some conch shell lookin’ temple in town, on account o’ the fact that we didnae have a clue what any o’ that crap did at the time.
So, ‘er name was Ada Overland. I both like ‘er an’ wanna slap ‘er. I’m sendin’ an emissary from Tarmok tae thank her an’ slap her, one after the other. I’ll explain why, shortly.
So, we show her one thing after another, an’ she identifies them for us. She said she’d take care o’ the pixie/sprite thing for us, an’ that they were almost certainly in the Undersky tae do bad, shady shite.
She gave us these light blue shawls an’ said they’d protect us from the pixies until the whole fiasco has been managed.
Turns out that was one big crock o’ shite an’ a practical joke, since they don’ do a damned thing.
On the other hand, when I handed over my scarab, which turned out to be one o’ those coin bugs, to her, she gave me this turquoise talisman that raised not just my on resistance against farts, but also any enjoined around me!
So... I think I’ll have my emissary say:
“Baron Baern Ironhead, Bearer of Jasper the axe of Valor, Sheriff of Kandahl’s Keep, Mayor of Baerntown Abbey, Chief Consumable of the Kells, aspirant of the Bolling Leage, and guardian of the realms of Nycos thanks you for the turquoise amulet you gifted him long ago. It has probably saved him from at least being minorly inconvenienced on at least one occasion.”
And then I want them to hit her in the face with the shawl which has had a bar of soap wrapped up inside it.
“He also says, and I quote ‘This is for makin’ a daft fool outta me, you lyin’ shite shoveler.’”
...
Anyway, after a lotta exposition an’ other crap, we decide to head north.
I also sell the Dancer the deed tae the bar, after renaming it to “The Watering Hool.”